Are you truly aware of what matters most to you? In my experience working with clients, I’ve found that many of us rarely pause to reflect on our core values and whether our lives align with them. Understanding our values is essential for personal fulfillment.
Defining Values
Before we explore how to identify and prioritize our values, we must first clarify what values are. When I ask clients to define values, I often hear responses like “a moral code,” “our goals,” or “things that matter to us.” While these responses are on the right track, values encompass much more.
Think of values as a guiding compass. Unlike goals, which are specific achievements we can reach, values represent an ongoing journey. They are like cardinal directions—north, south, east, west. Just as we don’t say, “I’ve arrived at my destination of East,” we shouldn’t think of values as something to conquer. For example, consider generosity: it’s not something you can achieve once and then check off your list. Instead, values provide direction, while goals serve as milestones along the way.
The Importance of Understanding Your Values
How does this understanding apply to your life? If we neglect to prioritize our values, we may feel lost or unfulfilled, even when achieving our goals. Let me illustrate this approach with a story from a previous client of mine.
The client was a businessman in his mid-forties who had dedicated himself to his career and achieved significant success. He was also a father of two young children and had been married for over 15 years, but he felt tension at home and a sense of unease despite his accomplishments.
Together, we explored his values. I asked him to list his top ten values and rank them. He struggled initially, believing all his values were equally important, but I encouraged him to try. His ranked list was: Love, Family, Respect, Stability, Safety, Freedom, Achievement, Loyalty, Success, and Fun. Notably, while Achievement and Success were part of his top values, they ranked lower than his values of Family and Stability.
Through our discussions, it became clear that his relentless work ethic stemmed not from a desire for success alone but from a wish to provide safety and stability for his family. Yet, in pursuing this goal, he had become a workaholic, leaving little time for family, struggling to disconnect from work, and neglecting important relationships. He was living out of alignment with his values, leading to a profound sense of disconnection from others and from himself.
Through our discussions, he was able to gain clarity about this disparity and to bring his actions into alignment with his goals. He was able to disentangle himself from what had seemed impossible commitments and work obligations as he continued to reflect on his values and to ongoingly seek alignment between his intentions, his actions and his values. I also encouraged him to share his values and his goals with his wife and to accept her partnership in bringing about more balance and working towards their shared values together. The client identified feeling happier, more authentic to himself, and more connected to his loved ones the further he went into this treatment and the changes he elected. It was a pleasure to see him gain a sense of his true self and to experience more joy and fulfilment from living by his values.
Each individual has their own values and orders those values in a very personal way. The goal of therapy is not to influence or re-prioritize someone’s values or express judgment about them. Instead, I like to help people realize their own inherent priorities and embrace their own direction. Through this process, an individual becomes more themselves and more authentic and has more space for true happiness.
Finding Your Sense of Direction
This example also highlights the importance of self-reflection: What is your sense of direction? What are you striving for, and have you strayed from your path? Gaining clarity around our values and how they influence our lives can be a challenging yet rewarding endeavor.
You don’t have to navigate this process alone. If you’re feeling a void or struggling to identify your values, working with a therapist can be an excellent starting point. This journey can help you adjust your course, set new goals, and find motivation in the right direction. I’ve witnessed clients transform through a deeper understanding of their values, and you can experience this change, too.
If you’re ready to explore your values and find your sense of direction, please reach out to me, Dr. Sarah Boutros, at 813-575-4547. I look forward to supporting you on this important and rewarding journey.
